Detective Denver's got a criminal on a leash: Jo "Magaro" is a danger to everyone around her, earning this P.I.'s 24-hour supervision from her place chained to the bathroom radiator. However, Jo need only request a Chili's smash burger to drag her handler from the frying pan to the fire in this bizarre buddy adventure.
These two will be threatening each other all day, but dammit if they're not gonna learn something about themselves in the process.
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Content warnings: sudden loud noises, threats of gun violence, gunshots, joke about suicide, offensive humor from a character (which we do not endorse!), mention of AIDS in a disrespectful manner, bullying, mentions of physical abuse, mentions of parental abuse, suicidal ideation, implied racism
[00:00:00] Jo, Who are you now?
[00:00:05] Who am I now?
[00:00:08] I don't know.
[00:00:12] I don't know.
[00:00:13] Please tell me, who am I?
[00:00:15] I'm selfishness.
[00:00:17] I don't know.
[00:00:17] I'm selfishness.
[00:00:19] Selfishness.
[00:00:26] Seize the way!
[00:00:46] I'm here, who?
[00:00:55] The microphone is on.
[00:00:58] Who are you?
[00:01:00] I don't know!
[00:01:01] Turn it off!
[00:01:02] Jo, listen.
[00:01:03] I'm not gonna help you if you're gonna get aggressive.
[00:01:05] I know! I know!
[00:01:06] Kick me out!
[00:01:07] Kick me out!
[00:01:08] Kick me out!
[00:01:10] Come on.
[00:01:17] Josephine, do I have consent to keep you handcuffed to this radiator?
[00:01:21] Yes!
[00:01:21] Now you consent to me throttling you!
[00:01:25] No.
[00:01:28] You're under investigation by the state, and it's in your best interest that you tell me your life story.
[00:01:34] Jo has become my jailbird.
[00:01:37] You ought to get away from me before I get selfish.
[00:01:42] Four years ago, Alaska Curtis was murdered in the woods of Stumptown.
[00:01:46] 20 minutes north of Roslyn Estates.
[00:01:50] This is Long Island.
[00:01:52] The land of manicured lawns and alcoholic iced tea.
[00:01:56] To find Alaska's killer, I'm investigating the grown-up children of some of the wealthiest families in the United States.
[00:02:04] Our six suspects are Joe Magaro, Emma Wooten, Logan Goldberg, Bobby York, Lou Curtis, and the late Glory Johnson.
[00:02:16] And then you have me.
[00:02:17] My name is Detective Finn Denver.
[00:02:20] I'm a private investigator looking for the killer.
[00:02:37] Welcome to Who Killed Alaska?
[00:02:39] Detective Files, an original series by The Ghost Factory.
[00:02:43] This is episode 21.
[00:02:45] Run for me, Denver.
[00:02:46] Listeners be warned that this series may be inappropriate for younger audiences, and content throughout may be alarming or upsetting.
[00:02:52] Welcome to Detective Files.
[00:02:55] Welcome to the truth.
[00:03:10] Tread too far into the depths of an overly specific Google search, and you might come into the hands of the Long Island Occult Club.
[00:03:18] A forum to back-alley conspiracies of pigs with wings and birds without.
[00:03:23] Somewhere in the midnight lines between an island's manicured lawns and its alcoholic iced tea.
[00:03:29] There, in the invisible arms of a supernatural god to mischief, you might find one man's post in particular.
[00:03:37] And he is distraught and drunk.
[00:03:39] And it is 2014 at 3am, as he tells the world that selfishness is a person.
[00:03:45] And selfishness is a hand-me-down.
[00:03:47] And selfishness has lived for generations.
[00:03:50] And selfishness has lived forever.
[00:03:53] The ancients saw selfishness drift out of the watering hole.
[00:03:57] The Babylonians saw selfishness rise from the river.
[00:04:01] And if you think about selfishness too long, as you watch the rift between worlds, you'll turn your head to see its back.
[00:04:10] And there discover an image projected from the sky, in the shape of a young woman, running for her life.
[00:04:19] And if it is late enough at night, dear listener, you might fall too far into the depths of an overly specific Google image search.
[00:04:27] Where young women running for their lives are chiseled into the ancient Greek well of Calakoron.
[00:04:32] And spray-painted in blue until the jailhouse had stumped down.
[00:04:38] Have you heard of this creature called selfishness?
[00:04:40] If I was ever bold enough to know better than the greatest minds of JSTOR,
[00:04:45] I might amend the headlines from selfishness runs away to selfishness chases us.
[00:04:52] Joe, you are millions of years old.
[00:04:56] Am I the first to chain selfishness up?
[00:04:58] And leave it seething?
[00:05:00] You sit on my bathroom floor, failing to break your hands to get free from the cuffs behind your back.
[00:05:07] And the one thing you will not tell me is the truth.
[00:05:10] About what you are.
[00:05:13] About where you came from.
[00:05:17] I know that you speak in translations.
[00:05:19] I know that you're not human.
[00:05:21] But all I can do is speak.
[00:05:23] Today is Saturday, July 27th at 412pm.
[00:05:31] The day is young.
[00:05:33] Stormy weather today.
[00:05:34] We're stuck here.
[00:05:36] Both the monster and me.
[00:05:38] So, who knew selfishness is in the Mafia?
[00:05:41] I still have a name.
[00:05:43] Sure.
[00:05:43] Yeah, can I see your hand by chance?
[00:05:48] Okay.
[00:05:48] That's fine.
[00:05:50] Oh, I'll give you your space.
[00:05:52] Joe's not letting me see the tattoo on her palm.
[00:05:54] You see, just last week, standing on the edge of Stumptown's Lake, we discovered a tattoo on this creature called selfishness.
[00:06:03] Joe had an X symbol on her hand.
[00:06:05] For the Columbo crime family.
[00:06:10] All the time, that's not possible.
[00:06:12] She's been wearing makeup.
[00:06:14] What?
[00:06:15] That is a tattoo.
[00:06:18] An X symbol.
[00:06:19] As in, like, the Columbo crime family.
[00:06:26] For my purposes, this means I have a reason to imprison Joe.
[00:06:30] I can prevent her from killing or harming anyone.
[00:06:33] I can confiscate her weaponry.
[00:06:39] Joe knows she can't leave here.
[00:06:42] She's a member of the mafia.
[00:06:43] And she broke Omerta.
[00:06:46] The Mafia Code of Silence.
[00:06:48] By Mafia law, she exposed her family.
[00:06:51] On a podcast that most people assume is fabricated.
[00:06:54] Because of how much weird stuff comes up.
[00:06:56] But her organization recognized that Joe's statements are their secret reality.
[00:07:01] I've gotten some cheeky cease and desists from quote-unquote lawyers
[00:07:05] who want Joe's admission to be struck from our quote-unquote ghost hunting series.
[00:07:09] Besides, it won't take long for the police to come around and ask about that gunshot.
[00:07:14] What do you think will happen if you go home now?
[00:07:17] I'll call it a suicide.
[00:07:20] So they still kill?
[00:07:22] Only their own.
[00:07:23] She can't go home now.
[00:07:25] And if she leaves the protection of my walls, she'll soon be standing in a courtroom,
[00:07:30] facing down a life's others.
[00:07:32] Don't break that!
[00:07:33] But I could make her a whistleblower.
[00:07:36] I found her an eye in the storm.
[00:07:38] For these next months, the monster stays with me.
[00:07:42] We're writing a fucking novel on every infraction she's witnessed.
[00:07:46] From inside La Casa Nostra.
[00:07:48] But I'm just a private investigator.
[00:07:50] I can't imprison anybody.
[00:07:53] On the record.
[00:07:54] Have I kidnapped you?
[00:07:56] No.
[00:07:57] For your benefit and mine, do you consent to be my prisoner?
[00:08:02] Yes!
[00:08:04] Good.
[00:08:06] Welcome to your new bed and breakfast.
[00:08:08] You're gonna enjoy these next few months and you don't even know yet.
[00:08:11] I really fucking doubt that I'm gonna be enjoying these next few months.
[00:08:14] This story catalogs suspect five.
[00:08:16] Josephine Stilupi.
[00:08:17] Columbo Mafioso.
[00:08:20] The infamous accent faker.
[00:08:22] And selfishness herself.
[00:08:23] I'm cataloging her desire to escape.
[00:08:26] And while I'm considering everything about Jo, I get to thinking,
[00:08:29] Jo seething and writhing here has no reason to conceal anything.
[00:08:35] Before Boo can get to the monster for information.
[00:08:38] I need to document Jo's knowledge of Alaska's death.
[00:08:41] I can't interview Jo to find out if she was Alaska's killer.
[00:08:45] Because she wasn't.
[00:08:46] But her alibi might cross over with another.
[00:08:49] So, Jo, you might be able to help me.
[00:08:52] Where was Bobby on the night Alaska died?
[00:08:54] I don't know. Bobby?
[00:08:56] Okay, for the sake of argument, where were the others?
[00:08:59] I don't know!
[00:09:01] Who said that?
[00:09:01] Hold on though. You know more than you realize.
[00:09:06] At the start of every day, I remind myself that today could be difficult.
[00:09:10] Today could be trying and I'm prepared to be scared and overwhelmed.
[00:09:14] Everything is always worth a try and a try is worth your confidence.
[00:09:23] But we have talking to do.
[00:09:25] Not just about this mystery, but about Jo's role.
[00:09:28] Her entire life as a criminal.
[00:09:30] Throw my first gun.
[00:09:33] Okay.
[00:09:34] I told him to kill himself.
[00:09:38] And he did.
[00:09:39] I see.
[00:09:42] Always eaten the rich.
[00:09:44] Can I ask how much of her?
[00:09:46] You don't get it.
[00:09:47] Give me something to read.
[00:10:01] How's this?
[00:10:02] I had to step out for a couple calls.
[00:10:10] When I get back, I stand at the doorway.
[00:10:14] In my familiar home.
[00:10:16] The bathroom door is open.
[00:10:19] Jo's chained to the radiator in there.
[00:10:21] She's leaning over at a 40 degree angle.
[00:10:24] Her hair is hanging down.
[00:10:26] Her eyes are dead and down.
[00:10:28] She's reading a book I left out for her.
[00:10:31] I take off my shoes.
[00:10:37] How's the book?
[00:10:38] Hmm?
[00:10:43] How's the book?
[00:10:46] Did you know tigers only kill if you're afraid?
[00:10:50] Is that sure?
[00:10:52] Look at it.
[00:10:53] It's on the second page.
[00:10:58] Tigers kill their prey when it runs.
[00:11:01] And the prey always runs, so tigers always kill.
[00:11:05] Fishermen in the Sudavans of India started wearing masks of faces on the backs of their heads.
[00:11:10] Then the tiger attacks stopped.
[00:11:14] Nobody died in the mangrove forest because when the tigers looked at the masks that the fishermen wore, they saw eyes on the backs of the heads of men, so they thought the fishermen were facing them.
[00:11:26] When your back shows, they think you're running.
[00:11:30] It's so ironic.
[00:11:33] If their prey looked them straight in the eye, they wouldn't know what to do.
[00:11:37] But wild pigs will always want from tigers because they're afraid.
[00:11:46] I can't turn the page like this.
[00:11:50] I can turn it free.
[00:11:51] But then I can't turn it back.
[00:11:54] I want to memorize this.
[00:11:58] Did you know I wanted to be a wildlife biologist?
[00:12:02] Really?
[00:12:04] I dropped out of college to take care of my brothers and clean.
[00:12:08] Daddy was testing me to see if I could be a good mother one day while dealing business.
[00:12:12] That was like the measure of whether or not I could inherit my daddy's position.
[00:12:18] That's enough time.
[00:12:21] What do you like about biology?
[00:12:26] It's interesting.
[00:12:31] So, where do we leave off?
[00:12:35] Tell me about the consigliere.
[00:12:37] I'm getting hunger pangs.
[00:12:40] I'll make you pasta.
[00:12:41] I'll take ten more minutes.
[00:12:43] Then we'll continue.
[00:12:44] I want a burger.
[00:12:46] There's no burgers in this house.
[00:12:47] No, you should get me chilis.
[00:12:50] I don't usually-
[00:12:51] Get me a burger with extra lettuce so it feels like a salad.
[00:12:55] I've never ordered through a-
[00:12:57] No!
[00:12:58] It has to be hot and it has to be fresh from chilis.
[00:13:04] I'm sure it'll be hot when it gets here.
[00:13:06] But it won't be fresh in the restaurant.
[00:13:09] Fresh means new.
[00:13:11] I don't want to.
[00:13:13] Also, it's raining.
[00:13:14] Stop being weird and lonely!
[00:13:16] I see your feelings!
[00:13:18] Well, mind your business.
[00:13:20] This is like your only chance in your life to eat dinner with a woman and not have you frozen-
[00:13:24] Fucking-
[00:13:25] Fine! Work, work, work!
[00:13:27] Ask me about the consigliere!
[00:13:31] How much does a consigliere earn in a year?
[00:13:33] Chili's! Big, smasher! Fresh!
[00:13:36] I'm flipping you off with my toe.
[00:13:38] I'm flipping you off with my toe!
[00:13:41] Aren't you worried about being in danger?
[00:13:43] From your father?
[00:13:45] Yeah, of course I am.
[00:13:47] But I want a burger!
[00:13:48] I can't let her get hungry.
[00:13:59] You don't have to wear a seatbelt, you know.
[00:14:00] Buckle your seatbelt.
[00:14:02] No more crimes, Joe.
[00:14:06] Ron, I'm trying to drive you-
[00:14:07] Am I gonna be handcuffed to you every time I go outside?
[00:14:12] We'll see.
[00:14:13] I'd like to ask you something.
[00:14:17] Actually, you know, I don't know-
[00:14:19] I know I've been asking you questions all day, but...
[00:14:21] I've been reviewing the audio.
[00:14:24] Bobby said he got the knife at Lake George.
[00:14:28] To Lake George?
[00:14:30] Yeah.
[00:14:31] Do you know about the store he went to?
[00:14:33] He said someone carved an X symbol on the wall for the Columbo crime family.
[00:14:38] I know that place.
[00:14:39] When he said it at a bong section, I knew it.
[00:14:41] It's not that the store is Columbo-affiliated.
[00:14:44] The town is Columbo-affiliated.
[00:14:48] Where are you from?
[00:14:49] My parents are from Brooklyn.
[00:14:51] Some of me still left there, but...
[00:14:53] Lake George, that's where I was raised.
[00:14:55] We were still upies.
[00:15:02] Lake George, that's where I was raised.
[00:15:04] Before I was born, my great uncle was locked up,
[00:15:07] which was caused by him laundering money in a place called the Diamonds in the Bronx.
[00:15:11] They called that a nude dancing club.
[00:15:14] So my daddy and my mom finally got their dream house way upstate.
[00:15:18] The water was in my window.
[00:15:20] We lived in a boathouse right on the rocks with some trees.
[00:15:26] Sometimes...
[00:15:27] we went hunting.
[00:15:29] Josephine Stalubi.
[00:15:30] You are 12 years old now.
[00:15:33] Line up the shot.
[00:15:36] I had my little school friends to play patty cake with.
[00:15:39] Friends. You know, friends.
[00:15:41] What I called friends before Boo.
[00:15:42] Then someone went and spread somebody's rumor that my daddy was participating in arms trafficking
[00:15:47] for the very fertile market of upstate New York.
[00:15:50] The returns are really good.
[00:15:51] But anyway, not great attention.
[00:15:53] So we moved out to Long Island.
[00:15:55] And we signed the papers and changed our names to Magaro.
[00:15:59] And then you faked your accent.
[00:16:01] And then we get a nice house out in Roslyn Estate.
[00:16:04] Bobby got a knife in that place.
[00:16:06] There's nothing unusual about that area?
[00:16:08] Just Bobby.
[00:16:09] Just Bobby, she says.
[00:16:12] Then she keeps going on.
[00:16:13] And I've lost my chance to ask her what she means.
[00:16:16] Just Bobby.
[00:16:18] When we got a house in Roslyn Estates, I became an associate.
[00:16:21] I went with my daddy to all the weddings and the funerals.
[00:16:24] Oh, and the barbecues.
[00:16:27] Barbecues?
[00:16:29] Weddings?
[00:16:29] What?
[00:16:30] We got a house in Roslyn Estates?
[00:16:31] I'm listening.
[00:16:34] What was that?
[00:16:35] What did you think about?
[00:16:36] Like, George?
[00:16:37] Knives?
[00:16:39] Death?
[00:16:40] Nah, knives.
[00:16:42] Whatever you're looking for in me is something I'm not even aware of.
[00:16:48] Barbecues?
[00:16:49] For what?
[00:16:50] To get associates or connections?
[00:16:53] Yeah, for networking.
[00:16:54] I'm not the first woman associate to exist.
[00:16:56] That would probably be Virginia Hill and the Great Depression.
[00:17:00] I mean, now look how many women are in finance.
[00:17:03] Hey, can I ask you a question?
[00:17:04] Sure.
[00:17:05] Are you free later?
[00:17:06] Unfortunately.
[00:17:07] What's your perfect first date?
[00:17:10] Investigation.
[00:17:11] Not even gonna fake it?
[00:17:13] Can't you read my emotions anyway?
[00:17:15] Damn.
[00:17:18] You know what?
[00:17:19] I really tried to do Black Widow.
[00:17:21] Ha!
[00:17:22] I was gonna manipulate you into getting off my handcuffs.
[00:17:24] Huh.
[00:17:26] Yeah.
[00:17:26] Yeah.
[00:17:27] Charming.
[00:17:29] What would you do then?
[00:17:32] Let's never find out.
[00:17:35] Do you wanna find out?
[00:17:38] Hey, hey, roll up the window!
[00:17:40] What if someone sees you?
[00:17:41] You know what?
[00:17:43] Most man-eating tigers are handicapped.
[00:17:46] They eat people because they're easy prey.
[00:17:51] Joe opens the door.
[00:17:53] Hey, hey, don't jump!
[00:17:54] Don't jump!
[00:17:55] I've pulled her by her handcuff.
[00:17:57] Don't jump.
[00:17:59] Don't!
[00:18:00] I'm pulling over.
[00:18:01] Do not jump!
[00:18:03] Then let me go!
[00:18:05] No!
[00:18:05] Let me go!
[00:18:06] No!
[00:18:17] Did that freak you out?
[00:18:18] Close the door, please.
[00:18:20] Did that freak you out?
[00:18:21] Yeah, that freaked me out.
[00:18:23] When you tried to jump out of the car.
[00:18:26] Why are you so scared?
[00:18:28] Why are you so scared?
[00:18:29] Why are you so scared?
[00:18:31] What scares you?
[00:18:31] Defend yourself!
[00:18:32] I'm worried about your safety.
[00:18:33] You are still...
[00:18:34] If you haven't realized, you're real.
[00:18:36] You're still a person.
[00:18:38] You can't just act like your body's not real
[00:18:40] and throw yourself out of a car.
[00:18:42] That's not what I'm asking!
[00:18:43] That's not what I'm asking!
[00:18:44] That's not what I'm asking!
[00:18:46] Do we turn around?
[00:18:51] Close the door.
[00:18:52] And I'll get you a burger.
[00:18:55] Good boy.
[00:18:57] But Joe is my prisoner.
[00:19:00] And I will not be hers.
[00:19:03] So we get the burger.
[00:19:07] Welcome to Chili's.
[00:19:08] Can we get a booth?
[00:19:12] Sure.
[00:19:13] You guys are handcuffed.
[00:19:15] Yeah, we're just having a little fun.
[00:19:17] Me and my awesome boyfriend.
[00:19:20] Thank you!
[00:19:22] Yeah, thank you.
[00:19:24] Okay.
[00:19:32] If you're flirting again, I'm not interested.
[00:19:35] Yeah.
[00:19:36] I kinda wish you were then.
[00:19:38] Can you take off the handcuffs?
[00:19:40] Before I kill myself?
[00:19:41] Now we're sitting on the same side.
[00:19:44] What if I kill myself?
[00:19:45] No.
[00:19:46] This is humiliating.
[00:19:49] Wait.
[00:19:49] To kill myself?
[00:19:52] Over the edge of my menu,
[00:19:53] I spy a huge vehicle in the parking lot.
[00:19:56] A fire truck.
[00:19:57] Then Joe looks up.
[00:19:58] That's one of mine.
[00:20:01] They're in you.
[00:20:02] The firefighters.
[00:20:04] Those are Joe's people.
[00:20:07] Are the firefighters in the Constanation?
[00:20:09] We're a little understaffed today, so I'm gonna be helping you out.
[00:20:12] Here's your waters.
[00:20:13] Are you waiting for somebody?
[00:20:15] Yes!
[00:20:15] Oh, actually, we might be leaving.
[00:20:17] After we'll do everything, okay?
[00:20:18] We're not leaving.
[00:20:19] Actually, please ignore him.
[00:20:21] Actually, I'm ordering.
[00:20:22] Could you give us a minute?
[00:20:23] Sure. Take-
[00:20:24] Take home the selfishness and I will make this a solved thing.
[00:20:26] I'm ordering a Smashburger.
[00:20:29] I don't feel empathy.
[00:20:30] He's worried and I'm cheering for that.
[00:20:32] I wanna record your dumb face on my phone and laugh at it with my fake ass friends.
[00:20:37] I don't know you, but even so I think you look like a fugly bitch.
[00:20:48] My dad beat the wrong part of my head and now I'm a hooligan with a handler.
[00:20:52] Can I please get a Smashburger instead of ruining your pretty little life?
[00:20:58] I'm so sorry about her.
[00:21:00] She's having a bad, bad day.
[00:21:04] I just-
[00:21:05] Are you alright?
[00:21:09] I just felt a little dizzy.
[00:21:12] I'll go.
[00:21:14] I'm-I'm so sorry.
[00:21:19] I'm writing her an apology-
[00:21:20] You wanna know about the firefighters, right?
[00:21:22] Not all the firehouses in the family, but anybody who matters is.
[00:21:25] I mean, the firehouse is a huge asset.
[00:21:28] You find more arsonists with firefighters than prisons.
[00:21:32] Is that true?
[00:21:33] Of course it is.
[00:21:35] Yeah, we're in a room with arsonists, Denver.
[00:21:37] Somewhere in here.
[00:21:38] When a fire goes up or a fire goes down, that's the firefighter's domain.
[00:21:43] You do a lot with fire.
[00:21:44] You can, uh, claim insurance.
[00:21:46] You can get people on your page when they're not on your page.
[00:21:50] That sounds to me like the fire department is threatening people.
[00:21:53] You know what? It's even, uh, helped us get into politics.
[00:21:57] Oh.
[00:21:57] Then it clicked!
[00:21:59] We realized the firehouse is the perfect recruitment system for La Cosa Nostra.
[00:22:04] And discovering that changed everything.
[00:22:06] These are guys who are looking for family, they're white, they want to contribute value,
[00:22:10] and they're extremely intelligent, but something didn't work out in school, so they need a-
[00:22:16] Where are they?
[00:22:18] I saw somebody in the corner behind us.
[00:22:20] Don't look! Don't look! They'll notice us.
[00:22:22] It's not illegal if we run now. Let's be employed.
[00:22:27] Oh my God.
[00:22:29] No, not you.
[00:22:30] This truck's on family business for sure.
[00:22:33] Then let's get out of here.
[00:22:35] Is there a black thing on the back? That is a license plate reader.
[00:22:38] This is so funny. They're on the fucking grind set. They're multitasking.
[00:22:43] Okay, so these guys are actually in the lobby.
[00:22:44] I'm gonna teach you something.
[00:22:45] Okay, look. The license plate reader scans all the cars around it.
[00:22:49] If those cars don't have their payments covered,
[00:22:51] Island Auto Towing goes out and repossesses them.
[00:22:55] We're Island Auto Towing.
[00:22:57] Guess who owns it?
[00:22:58] My uncle.
[00:23:00] Where do they get their list of overdue cars?
[00:23:02] The banks. We work with them.
[00:23:04] Local banks, the major commercial banks, the one next door.
[00:23:08] The bank-
[00:23:08] And she lists them.
[00:23:10] That's a secret best safe record.
[00:23:11] I thought the mafia's...
[00:23:17] Do you think...
[00:23:18] Denver.
[00:23:20] Do you think white collar crime is dead?
[00:23:26] You are learning a lot today.
[00:23:28] We need to get out of here.
[00:23:30] Alright, what's the worst case scenario?
[00:23:32] Jo, what's the worst case?
[00:23:34] Hmm. Will it scare you if I die?
[00:23:37] I finally give in.
[00:23:38] I turn around and I see a group of teenagers.
[00:23:42] Among them.
[00:23:43] An object I would ordinarily never be able to identify.
[00:23:51] As a concealed pistol.
[00:23:53] But today I see it.
[00:23:54] And Joe, do these...
[00:23:56] People...
[00:23:57] Carry?
[00:23:57] Glory snuck a knife into school by putting it into a, um...
[00:24:00] What do you call that? A hand sanitizer.
[00:24:02] We weren't that different.
[00:24:04] In a Chili's.
[00:24:06] In Westbury?
[00:24:07] Yeah, and I...
[00:24:09] We're in Westbury?
[00:24:11] Why are we in Westbury?
[00:24:12] Why are they in Westbury?
[00:24:13] They brought the fire truck to Westbury?
[00:24:15] It would scare me if you died.
[00:24:19] You're real.
[00:24:20] Joe, can I touch your hand?
[00:24:22] No!
[00:24:22] Why did they bring the fire truck to Westbury?
[00:24:24] This is way out of Roslyn's district.
[00:24:28] What the hell is that truck for?
[00:24:31] Maybe...
[00:24:32] I'm not touching your hand.
[00:24:33] I hope you can take a second to hear me.
[00:24:36] We have to go.
[00:24:38] If something's happening here...
[00:24:39] Smashburger?
[00:24:40] Right here!
[00:24:42] Then cut me free.
[00:24:45] This burger.
[00:24:47] Look at this burger!
[00:24:50] You don't want to be here for the end of times.
[00:24:52] The end of your times when the clock stops ticking.
[00:24:54] Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
[00:24:57] Come on.
[00:24:57] Ow!
[00:25:02] You don't want to be here for your little one-minute apocalypse!
[00:25:08] This!
[00:25:08] Why don't you know what I just noticed?
[00:25:10] Boy, I love this burger.
[00:25:12] Is it possible to love something you haven't eaten yet?
[00:25:13] I mean, just look at this!
[00:25:16] You wanna know what I just noticed?
[00:25:16] Okay, I'll tell you.
[00:25:18] You're out at Twitch.
[00:25:19] A lot.
[00:25:21] Just fiends to loopy.
[00:25:22] Your eye twitches when you lie.
[00:25:25] You're a liar.
[00:25:27] And I just fucking caught you.
[00:25:30] Why are you threatening me with fake threats?
[00:25:32] I'm trying to help you.
[00:25:34] And then Joe takes the burger...
[00:25:37] And she throws it in my face.
[00:25:41] Ha ha ha ha!
[00:25:59] Oh, get me another one!
[00:26:00] No.
[00:26:02] No, you can do that.
[00:26:04] You're not getting another one.
[00:26:07] That's the choice you made.
[00:26:09] I'm sorry.
[00:26:12] Do you always throw away the things you want?
[00:26:16] I'm new now.
[00:26:18] My name is Selfishness.
[00:26:20] And I don't care how you feel.
[00:26:25] Oh.
[00:26:26] We follow them?
[00:26:28] What a terrible question.
[00:26:30] It's terrible, but it's my job.
[00:26:32] And recently...
[00:26:34] I'm not too bad at my job.
[00:26:37] You watch where they go and I'll pay.
[00:26:48] Who Kill Alaska only has about six months left.
[00:26:51] Right now it's Who Kill Alaska's final October.
[00:26:54] Head to our spooky new and improved website and find our merch shop.
[00:26:59] For this month only, you can get Alice's Dark Magic sticker set or a cursed pin or hoodie.
[00:27:06] We have t-shirts and totes that say,
[00:27:09] Indy Social Outsider Club, which is a brand that doesn't exist.
[00:27:14] You can own that.
[00:27:16] Or maybe you want a hat with a cute green ghost on it.
[00:27:19] And the ghost looks like it's made out of acid.
[00:27:23] Add like a Halloween sound there.
[00:27:32] Definitely look through the merch.
[00:27:34] Enjoy yourself.
[00:27:35] Because it's all about to disappear.
[00:27:38] After October 31st, 2024, it's gone forever.
[00:27:44] This is Who Killed Alaska's last Halloween.
[00:27:47] And over half of this merch is new.
[00:27:49] There are 32 items in the Halloween section.
[00:27:52] Check out the designs.
[00:27:53] Go to WhoKilledAlaska.com slash Halloween.
[00:27:56] That is WhoKilledAlaska.com slash Halloween.
[00:28:01] Also, quick announcement.
[00:28:02] We have a Halloween episode coming out on October 31st.
[00:28:07] We're going to have a listening party on the fan community Discord server.
[00:28:11] So hop on the Discord server and join the listening party channel on October 31st at 6pm Eastern Time.
[00:28:20] We'll play games and everybody gets to live chat along to the Halloween episode in the text chat.
[00:28:26] See you there.
[00:28:27] And don't forget to check out the merch at WhoKilledAlaska.com slash Halloween.
[00:28:51] Joe has me in the car.
[00:28:52] I'm sitting side by side with selfishness.
[00:28:56] And we're chasing down the firefighter mafia.
[00:29:00] Do I love this job?
[00:29:02] Depends on the time of day.
[00:29:03] I'm gonna keep us observing from a safe distance.
[00:29:09] I'm telling something big, but there's nothing we can speculate about.
[00:29:12] Don't wait for me to get scared.
[00:29:14] Red light!
[00:29:15] I'm taking a turn now.
[00:29:15] Let's talk business about this memoir that we're gonna write and we're gonna keep writing it when we get back to your place safely.
[00:29:20] I wanna make something clear.
[00:29:22] I didn't want my daddy to buy Stumptown.
[00:29:26] I've never mentioned that.
[00:29:27] I know about that, but...
[00:29:28] Isn't it your job to know things?
[00:29:30] A while ago I found posts online about an auction of Stumptown's land.
[00:29:34] Joe's father, Romeo, was planning to buy Stumptown out.
[00:29:38] But he didn't follow through.
[00:29:39] If you asked me, I would have had to say yes, he tried to buy the land.
[00:29:42] I have the key to Stumptown's gate because my daddy nearly bought Stumptown.
[00:29:46] Now why didn't I think of that?
[00:29:47] Yeah.
[00:29:48] So...
[00:29:49] So why not buy it?
[00:29:50] Good question.
[00:29:51] He put a lot into getting Stumptown and the thing that made him fall, sir-
[00:29:54] No, no.
[00:29:55] Why didn't you want him to buy it?
[00:29:56] Then why?
[00:29:58] Why?
[00:29:58] Why is this something you need to tell me?
[00:30:00] Cause as far as I know, I had nothing to do with Alaska's death and I wasn't trying to get involved with Stumptown.
[00:30:07] Stumptown follows its own unique natural force.
[00:30:11] The reason why, as it turns out, is it's the access point.
[00:30:15] This really isn't a human sitting next to me.
[00:30:18] And home is at the bottom of the lake.
[00:30:21] Even then I knew it wasn't Tara.
[00:30:24] You haven't heard of the devil's throat, have you?
[00:30:26] That's the sound of something Bobby would be into.
[00:30:28] Like a band.
[00:30:30] Oh, Bobby doesn't know about this.
[00:30:31] We'll see.
[00:30:32] Tell me about it.
[00:30:33] It's more inputting you, Denver.
[00:30:35] Ha ha ha.
[00:30:37] Or not really.
[00:30:39] I could go in alone and you'd, uh...
[00:30:41] Yeah.
[00:30:43] People talk about there being a cave system in Stumptown.
[00:30:46] I've never seen it.
[00:30:49] Denver, that cave is called the Devil's Throat.
[00:30:51] The only way to find the Devil's Throat is supposed to be by becoming lost.
[00:30:57] And if you get to the bottom of the Devil's Throat cave, your worst wish, the worst thing that you want, becomes real.
[00:31:07] Here's an example.
[00:31:09] If you wanted somebody to die of AIDS, then that would happen when you went to the Devil's Throat.
[00:31:14] Jesus Christ.
[00:31:15] What the hell is she talking about?
[00:31:17] And I didn't want to get near that.
[00:31:19] Stumptown was about to go for auction and they discreetly mailed us copies of the gate key.
[00:31:23] And that's how I got mine.
[00:31:25] I still have it, even now.
[00:31:26] And then when we were getting an estimate, a contractor went missing.
[00:31:31] And the police found him in the woods.
[00:31:33] Two days later, saying he'd been to the Devil's Throat.
[00:31:37] And it was beautiful.
[00:31:42] So my daddy pulled out.
[00:31:44] Nobody built the apartments.
[00:31:45] Nobody wanted it.
[00:31:47] Stumptown.
[00:31:48] I mean, it was a drug, Den.
[00:31:50] Somebody said to me a murder was going to happen there someday.
[00:31:54] I mean, it's so silly.
[00:31:58] Denver, when I get to the Devil's Throat, and I will,
[00:32:02] you're gonna drop dead.
[00:32:04] And so will I.
[00:32:07] In the Devil's Throat, your worst wish comes true.
[00:32:13] I'm gonna tear you a new one!
[00:32:15] We follow their truck for a while.
[00:32:21] Then they dock into a residential area.
[00:32:24] So they turn off their sirens and we're following them.
[00:32:27] We actually see them stop and pull into a small parking lot.
[00:32:30] They park their truck diagonally across four parking spaces.
[00:32:35] We park on the street.
[00:32:37] We watch them from the windshield.
[00:32:38] They climb out of the doors of the fire engine, whiskey bottles in hand.
[00:32:42] They're all about 17.
[00:32:44] We're in a pretty little park on the edge of Suffolk County.
[00:32:49] We watch them smash bottles on the asphalt with morbid dead eyes.
[00:32:53] They push each other around, and they sit down on the curb.
[00:32:57] They try to light joints, but they can't light fires in the rain.
[00:33:00] The dim yellow light from a street lamp is spread to a weak glow in the darkness.
[00:33:05] Showing me how Jo's features hang heavy on her face.
[00:33:09] She says nothing.
[00:33:10] So...
[00:33:11] I don't say a word.
[00:33:13] Just kids crossing red lights and going nowhere.
[00:33:17] All that power sitting around in a park.
[00:33:21] And they do have power.
[00:33:23] And they're using it for no reason at all.
[00:33:26] So we're laid down in the hands of criminal negligence.
[00:33:31] Like Alaska, I've had his cradled in 17-year-old arms.
[00:33:36] Unskilled and foolish.
[00:33:38] And I believe Jo about all of it.
[00:33:41] For starters, her eye twitches when she lies.
[00:33:45] People think we're disappearing!
[00:33:51] Jo...
[00:33:51] People think we're disappearing!
[00:33:55] You have work to do!
[00:33:57] People think we're disappearing!
[00:33:59] People think we're...
[00:34:01] We're gone!
[00:34:02] And of course they think that!
[00:34:04] Stop.
[00:34:04] Did you use the firetruck to go seven miles out of Rasta to smoke weed in a parking lot?
[00:34:11] To skip three red lights!
[00:34:13] Where's your culture?!
[00:34:16] Are you family or are you fucking strangers?!
[00:34:20] A firefighter's lips moved to say,
[00:34:22] Who are you?
[00:34:23] Who are you?
[00:34:25] I'm in the business!
[00:34:29] Please...
[00:34:29] I...
[00:34:30] Stop. That's enough.
[00:34:32] Take me back to the business!
[00:34:32] You don't have to do this anymore!
[00:34:34] No, it doesn't have to be the business! Not anymore!
[00:34:36] I can cook!
[00:34:38] I can clean!
[00:34:39] Tell them...
[00:34:39] Jo can be a prisoner!
[00:34:40] I already am!
[00:34:41] Tell them I don't have to see the light of day!
[00:34:43] As long as they feed me!
[00:34:48] Look what I do!
[00:34:48] I've got this one scared!
[00:34:50] He's finally scared!
[00:34:51] He's finally scared!
[00:34:52] I'm already scared because I'm...
[00:34:54] Because I'm leaving!
[00:34:56] Oh, you're a silly man!
[00:34:58] Come here! Come here!
[00:35:00] At least you left your friend Bobby, won't you?
[00:35:02] Bobby?
[00:35:04] Why Bobby?
[00:35:05] Oh, did I strike a nerve?
[00:35:07] Because I...
[00:35:08] Stop thinking so much!
[00:35:09] I was talking about Bobby.
[00:35:12] Come here!
[00:35:13] Because I want to prove him innocent.
[00:35:16] Break these handcuffs!
[00:35:18] Because...
[00:35:21] He was my friend.
[00:35:22] And no one was around.
[00:35:26] Even I...
[00:35:27] Wasn't around for me.
[00:35:30] Because I've been...
[00:35:31] Busy.
[00:35:33] And...
[00:35:35] Every day...
[00:35:38] Is lonelier.
[00:35:41] Who's got the gun?
[00:35:42] Nobody's gonna remember this guy!
[00:35:44] What the hell's going on here?
[00:35:45] Hey! Hey!
[00:35:46] Chill out!
[00:35:47] I remember...
[00:35:48] Alaska.
[00:35:49] Put the gun away!
[00:35:50] What's going on?
[00:35:51] Who the fuck is this?
[00:35:52] I remember...
[00:35:56] Alaska.
[00:35:58] They'll remember me.
[00:36:00] They...
[00:36:01] Will love...
[00:36:02] Me.
[00:36:02] Because I was worth that!
[00:36:05] Who the fuck is this?
[00:36:07] I'm Josephine Stalupi!
[00:36:09] I'm yours!
[00:36:11] You!
[00:36:12] And the villain is recognized.
[00:36:16] We brought them who they're looking for.
[00:36:20] He shoots.
[00:36:23] They scatter.
[00:36:24] We duck.
[00:36:25] We're huddled together.
[00:36:30] Digital numbers tick on.
[00:36:32] At the edge of the dashboard clock, I can barely see from the carpeted floor of the car.
[00:36:38] We'll go.
[00:36:39] Before your family comes for you.
[00:36:41] Yes!
[00:36:43] I think something drops in the trees.
[00:36:49] When they shot...
[00:36:51] They shot an animal.
[00:36:52] I think.
[00:36:54] Tigers or hunters?
[00:36:55] They tried to shoot you.
[00:36:56] When a woman kills a tiger...
[00:36:58] You call her a hunter with a hunting rifle?
[00:37:02] Hunters are tigers.
[00:37:04] But hunters are people.
[00:37:07] One of those words that doesn't mean a thing.
[00:37:15] I killed it!
[00:37:17] Don't eat it!
[00:37:35] The drive home is quiet.
[00:37:37] Then we get to my house.
[00:37:40] I put the monster back where she belongs.
[00:37:43] Cuffed to the radiator.
[00:37:45] She wants to wind down with her 20 minutes a day of supervised computer time.
[00:37:50] Which is something I did promise her.
[00:37:53] She wants to watch Boo's livestream.
[00:37:56] So he does this now.
[00:37:58] He goes on the internet for...
[00:38:00] This.
[00:38:01] It's his second time apparently.
[00:38:04] I sit down the laptop for this second livestream.
[00:38:08] Boo's playing a song and Joe's watching carefully.
[00:38:11] Thank you.
[00:38:12] That song was about...
[00:38:14] Addiction.
[00:38:16] Looks like we've got...
[00:38:18] 2,000 viewers already.
[00:38:21] Send this to your friends.
[00:38:22] I'm sure they'll find my face...
[00:38:25] Captivating.
[00:38:27] Let's see...
[00:38:28] Uh...
[00:38:28] I get a comment that's saying...
[00:38:31] Is water wet?
[00:38:33] Type something for me in the chat.
[00:38:35] Okay.
[00:38:35] I'll ask you this.
[00:38:37] Is fire on fire?
[00:38:38] What do you want me to say?
[00:38:40] Think about that.
[00:38:44] Hi Boo.
[00:38:45] I unzipped my face right now.
[00:38:50] What if I unzipped it and...
[00:38:54] Underneath it was just...
[00:38:56] Nothing.
[00:39:01] Hi Boo.
[00:39:04] Joe.
[00:39:06] Is that you?
[00:39:07] How does he know?
[00:39:08] Yeah.
[00:39:09] He's my best friend.
[00:39:10] I was waiting for you to call me since we got checked out at the ICU.
[00:39:13] I'm safe.
[00:39:14] How you doing Joe?
[00:39:15] I'm with somebody.
[00:39:16] What's going on?
[00:39:23] I'm safe.
[00:39:24] I'm with somebody.
[00:39:28] No one will always be here for you.
[00:39:31] But I'm not afraid.
[00:39:33] I know you can handle it.
[00:39:35] Boo, do you like the taste of small animals?
[00:39:39] Oh...
[00:39:41] No...
[00:39:41] No that's not it.
[00:39:44] Boo, if a tiger walked into the devil's throat...
[00:39:48] Is it still an animal by the time it walks out?
[00:39:53] Um...
[00:39:54] No.
[00:39:55] Delete that.
[00:39:56] Uh...
[00:39:56] Okay.
[00:39:58] Okay.
[00:40:01] Boo?
[00:40:06] If I ever go...
[00:40:09] Crazy...
[00:40:11] You'll stop...
[00:40:12] You'll stop me right?
[00:40:14] Will you comfort me?
[00:40:17] Hold on Joe.
[00:40:18] Your response is getting buried in all of the chat messages.
[00:40:22] I'm trying to find it.
[00:40:24] Boo?
[00:40:25] I'm trying to find it.
[00:40:26] Boo?
[00:40:27] Boo?
[00:40:58] Who Killed Alaska?
[00:40:59] is a show produced by the Ghost Factory.
[00:41:03] Hi, my name is Cameron LeBron.
[00:41:05] I'm the writer, director, and head of this project.
[00:41:07] And I'm here to read you the credits.
[00:41:09] The script was edited by Katrina Clairvoyant.
[00:41:13] Extra big thank you to Shuka Saquette and Lorena DeLeon for additional script assistance.
[00:41:18] The assistant producer was Lorena DeLeon.
[00:41:22] The music for this episode was done by me and Thor Spieler.
[00:41:26] The sound design was done by Ramiro Sambueza, Deborah Butler, Fletcher Gatti, and David Geyer.
[00:41:34] The mix of master was done by Manis Kunder.
[00:41:37] Who Killed Alaska's art was done by Bella Wynn, Block Reinhardt, and Dorito Falls.
[00:41:42] Finn Denver was played by Joseph Katembo.
[00:41:46] Josephine Magaro, a.k.a. Josephine Staluppi, was played by Sally Roberts.
[00:41:52] The nurse was played by Brenda Holliday.
[00:41:54] Romeo Magaro, a.k.a. Romeo Staluppi, was played by Dave Maynard.
[00:42:00] The hostess was played by Kat Sadler.
[00:42:03] The waitress was played by Nicole Labeda.
[00:42:06] The fire biters were played by Ryan Bogey and Roy Berglin.
[00:42:10] And Boo Curtis was played by Alex Rag.
[00:42:13] Thank you so much to our patrons who made this all possible.
[00:42:16] Thank you to Jupiter Defense Squad,
[00:42:19] Renly Spa,
[00:42:21] CJ Taylor Caldwell,
[00:42:23] Bina,
[00:42:24] Katrina Redmond,
[00:42:25] Nicole Collard,
[00:42:27] Shep,
[00:42:28] Criminal Frog,
[00:42:29] Ash,
[00:42:31] Misha Warlock,
[00:42:33] Sarah,
[00:42:34] Lucas King,
[00:42:36] August Ur,
[00:42:37] Emma,
[00:42:38] Kelly Brennan,
[00:42:39] Happy Dragon,
[00:42:40] Livin' Luxuriously Selena,
[00:42:43] Andrew Roper,
[00:42:45] Lace Ann,
[00:42:46] Gamzee,
[00:42:48] Antigone,
[00:42:49] Chathonic Hermes,
[00:42:50] Mic Drop,
[00:42:52] Lavender Cozy,
[00:42:53] and Matt.
[00:42:55] We'll see you in one week for the mini episode.
[00:42:58] And then tune in on October 31st for the Halloween episode.
[00:43:02] You can join us on Discord if you'd like to listen with us.
[00:43:06] We're going to play games.
[00:43:07] We're going to do all kinds of things.
[00:43:09] And people will be live in chat.
[00:43:10] We'll have like a little Halloween party basically.
[00:43:12] And we'll enjoy the episode.
[00:43:14] So, see you then.
[00:43:15] Bye!